back to blogging!

back to blogging after two years! time flies....and so amazing to see how blogging has picked up all around, 2 years back it was only a few aiesecers i knew who used to blog and now every tom, dick and harry is bloggin...even blogging in bangla!

lets hope ill be able to blog regularly from now on! too many things happening in life and more importantly happening too fast....a blog is absolutely essential to capture all these incidents and memories!

gone...

yes...ammu is no more......

alas! the miracle did not happen..
just the thought that i will never ever see her again in my entire lifetime leaves me devastated...its just too much to handle.......the best i can do is sit by her grave and imagine that im close to her..trying to feel her...trying to remmember how her touch felt like..trying to remmember how she smelled...trying to remmeber her voice.... trying to remmember her smile.....trying to remmember the last thing she said to me....that moment when she took me and my brother in her arms while she was in a state of semi comma...trying to figure out what might have been the last words she wanted to say to me before the cancer cells took her life away.....

ami jani ammu from heaven up there....you dont want to see me cry like this in the middle of the night...like a baby....but i miss you...i miss you so much....if only we could talk for one more time.....you could have assured me that ur alrite and i dont have anything to worry about..then maybe i could stop......if only there was someway to know that you have united with abbu up there in heaven...i swear ami ar kaantam na ammu.....

i cant believe ammu that i got you guys for only 20 years....if only i knew it from before then i swear i wud not have ever gone out of home....shobshomoi tomader shathe thaktam.......kemon lage ammu jokhon dekhi even 50 year olds have both their parents alive ar ami 25 er moddhei orphan....

ammu winter has arrived.....halka thanda ar kuasha...the weather both you and me loved so much....ekdom shob ager shitkaaler moto....but just that ammu tumi ar nai ekhon....nai keo amake petroleum jelly ar body lotion ber kore dewar, nai keo amar shiter kapor almari theke ber kore dewar....nai keo chapstick ber kore dewar...

ammu bhalo thaiko...

a miracle...

im goin thru the worst period of my life....


Last year when ammu (mom) was diagnosed with cancer...the doctor had predicted that she might live for one more year...the date was 5th of May 2005.....today is 5th of May 2006 and things seem inevitable....

throughout the past year she had been showing tremendous resiliance and fought her way through countless chemotherapies.....i see so many cancer patients not even be able to take 1 chemotherapy, infact my dad actually died because of the ill effect of a chemotherapy.......but ammu till date has taken abt 15 or so!.....till April 06 ammu was doing kwite ok but thats when the doc suggested that the treatment needs to change and she wud need chemotherapy every week!....that sounded insane at the same time i knew something was goin terribly wrong....

for the past 3 days know she has constant fever....as a result she cannot take chemotherapy....she is now only skin and bones with no hair (its killin me to write all this but i had to let it out sumwere, i dont talk abt these things with friends and i dont even let them understand that sumthin is wrong)....she also isnt being able to eat at all and is complaining of severe pains in the lower region from wer her cancer actually originated.....im prepared for the worst and so is my brother.....

As a family we were never so close (that is pretty normal when your parents are from a very old generation compared to u) we rarely socialise or chat with each other...so its really awkward for me now...neither can i stay away from her nor can i now start being with her all the time..coz that wud make things obvious to her.. .shes the smartest women iv ever met in my life...and i want her to live peacefully for now...

so all i do is stare at her from a distance...for the past 2 days i have taken up this habit of sneakin into her room every hour in the nite just seeing if she was doin ok....coz 3 nites back when i went into her room (just randomly) around 4 in the nite...i saw her sitting on a chair eyes closed holding her head...i could feel...the pain was killing her....

so now i stay home all day doing nothing coz i dont feel like doin anythin...every now and then i cry (inside the washroom) and rest in bed with my eyes closed tryin to sleep....

i dont know what me or my family did to deserve all this....its only been 24 years into my life and i had to watch my father (slowly n painfully)lose out to cancer and now havin a deja vu as i see my mother following the exact same route...for the last 4/5 years all i had to do is prepare myself for the deaths of my parents....every single day..every single nite...every single hour...every single moment i have to go thru this ordeal.....its a tremendously strong feeling of stress....and it simply devastates me....i hope no one in the world has to go thru all this at this age...i mean it.....i feel like im some 80+ year old guy...tired, fatigued, stressed and without any passion for life....

i hope one day god will reward me for goin thru all this punishment...no reward wud compensate all this...but a few more tragedies and i dont think ill be able to take it anymore....

i hope for a miracle...
i hope god is listening...

Crocodile Rock

From my early days ive been a big fan of animals!....not only am i enthralled by the dogs n birds of the neighbourhood i also get really excited seeing all those National Georhraphic n Animal Planet programs especially the ones on snake...u know the ones were they pull out big snakes from bushes...its really ironic though...the bit about me loving the shows on snakes coz normally i HATE snakes!!!!...im prolly the biggest snake hater in the world!!!.....actually i hate all reptiles!...aargh! they are so repulsive!....thats prolly the reason i loved this picture (how sadistic!) which is currently my desktop wallpaper and will be so atleast for one more week...

This is a 13ft alligator which was apparently found in the backyard of a house (prolly one adjacent to a river)in the US....not surprisingly...it was killed!who wud want such a beast in their backyard!......so make sure all of u regularly check up on your backyard!

"Dear God, please let me grow up"

The picture above is that of 5 year old Karmen.Her dream is to be a ballerina. But Karmen was born with the AIDS virus and has spent much of her short life going in and out of the hospital.

Karmen has fared better than anyone had dared to hope. Doctors thought she would never walk or talk, but she gets around with a walker and speaks fairly well.

Karmen may not grow up to be a ballerina, but, despite her difficulty walking, she was transformed when she donned a tutu that her mother had bought her, it almost seemed as if she had taken up a persona of a ballerina.

This is a picture of Karmen taken by photographer Ms. Tartakoff who has published a book called An Alphabet About Families Living With HIV-AIDS.

According to the book, "Sometimes Karmen lays her head on her folded hands because she is tired, and sometimes she needs to talk with God." One of her prayers: "Dear God, Please make my legs and body strong. Please let me grow up."

blog health check

are u ok blog?

Change the world ~

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

~Author Unknown

a dog is a dogs best friend...

we all love dogs!

i love rottweillers, bulldogs, boxers, dobermann n dachshund..fahim loves god knows which one...rubayat loves German Shephards and hates bulldogs (he must be crazy rite!) and we all hate spitz!...and all of us were out today in search of dogs....it was crazy...it was stupid....24hrs without any sleep but we were out in the streets of gulshan 2 lookin for dogs! primarily in search of the 4 boxers which i see everyday...its an amazing amazing feeling watchin them walk down the street in a pack ready to pounce anytime......it wasnt a bad search after all...saw 2 German Shephards,1 spitz (i think im right when i say that these dogs outnumber the crows nowadays!) and a beautiful gorgeous Golden Retreiver.....but cudnt get hold of the boxer quartet...maybe they felt lazy and dint go for their walk today..who knows?

i have always loved dogs but never ever got the chance to own one...parents wudnt let me...it was the classic case of "either u stay or the dog stays"....now finally i have moved to a house wer there actually is a lot of space to keep a dog...but ammu is convinced that i wont be able to take proper care of it.....plus everyone in this huge joint family is against me getting a dog.....but now as i have realized...a very important thing in life is to (atleast try to) materialize all your dreams....most importantly the childhood ones....or else soon u reach the end of your life and u realise that u havent accomplished even 1% of your dreams....how pathetic is that?

so hopefully once i save up some money ill get my first dog...its such an exciting feeling....finally having a companion whom i can trust : ) ...ive decided to name the dog "Incubus".....it will have a kennel downstairs but ill sneak it in my room every nite so that it sleeps in the carpet rite beside my bed...ill sneak it out every morning before everyone else wakes up...actually ill be asleep instead ill train it in such a way that it will wake before 7 and open the lock of the door and like an expert thief(?)sneak out of my room....well maybe thats askin for too much but who knows?...lets all wait for that day in anticipation.....

till next time

Woof! Woof!