promises, lies and thinking alouds

back to blogging!

2008-10-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

back to blogging after two years! time flies....and so amazing to see how blogging has picked up all around, 2 years back it was only a few aiesecers i knew who used to blog and now every tom, dick and harry is bloggin...even blogging in bangla!

lets hope ill be able to blog regularly from now on! too many things happening in life and more importantly happening too fast....a blog is absolutely essential to capture all these incidents and memories!

gone...

2006-11-19T09:22:00.000-08:00

yes...ammu is no more......

alas! the miracle did not happen..
just the thought that i will never ever see her again in my entire lifetime leaves me devastated...its just too much to handle.......the best i can do is sit by her grave and imagine that im close to her..trying to feel her...trying to remmember how her touch felt like..trying to remmember how she smelled...trying to remmeber her voice.... trying to remmember her smile.....trying to remmember the last thing she said to me....that moment when she took me and my brother in her arms while she was in a state of semi comma...trying to figure out what might have been the last words she wanted to say to me before the cancer cells took her life away.....

ami jani ammu from heaven up there....you dont want to see me cry like this in the middle of the night...like a baby....but i miss you...i miss you so much....if only we could talk for one more time.....you could have assured me that ur alrite and i dont have anything to worry about..then maybe i could stop......if only there was someway to know that you have united with abbu up there in heaven...i swear ami ar kaantam na ammu.....

i cant believe ammu that i got you guys for only 20 years....if only i knew it from before then i swear i wud not have ever gone out of home....shobshomoi tomader shathe thaktam.......kemon lage ammu jokhon dekhi even 50 year olds have both their parents alive ar ami 25 er moddhei orphan....

ammu winter has arrived.....halka thanda ar kuasha...the weather both you and me loved so much....ekdom shob ager shitkaaler moto....but just that ammu tumi ar nai ekhon....nai keo amake petroleum jelly ar body lotion ber kore dewar, nai keo amar shiter kapor almari theke ber kore dewar....nai keo chapstick ber kore dewar...

ammu bhalo thaiko...

a miracle...

2006-05-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

im goin thru the worst period of my life....

Last year when ammu (mom) was diagnosed with cancer...the doctor had predicted that she might live for one more year...the date was 5th of May 2005.....today is 5th of May 2006 and things seem inevitable....

throughout the past year she had been showing tremendous resiliance and fought her way through countless chemotherapies.....i see so many cancer patients not even be able to take 1 chemotherapy, infact my dad actually died because of the ill effect of a chemotherapy.......but ammu till date has taken abt 15 or so!.....till April 06 ammu was doing kwite ok but thats when the doc suggested that the treatment needs to change and she wud need chemotherapy every week!....that sounded insane at the same time i knew something was goin terribly wrong....

for the past 3 days know she has constant fever....as a result she cannot take chemotherapy....she is now only skin and bones with no hair (its killin me to write all this but i had to let it out sumwere, i dont talk abt these things with friends and i dont even let them understand that sumthin is wrong)....she also isnt being able to eat at all and is complaining of severe pains in the lower region from wer her cancer actually originated.....im prepared for the worst and so is my brother.....

As a family we were never so close (that is pretty normal when your parents are from a very old generation compared to u) we rarely socialise or chat with each other...so its really awkward for me now...neither can i stay away from her nor can i now start being with her all the time..coz that wud make things obvious to her.. .shes the smartest women iv ever met in my life...and i want her to live peacefully for now...

so all i do is stare at her from a distance...for the past 2 days i have taken up this habit of sneakin into her room every hour in the nite just seeing if she was doin ok....coz 3 nites back when i went into her room (just randomly) around 4 in the nite...i saw her sitting on a chair eyes closed holding her head...i could feel...the pain was killing her....

so now i stay home all day doing nothing coz i dont feel like doin anythin...every now and then i cry (inside the washroom) and rest in bed with my eyes closed tryin to sleep....

i dont know what me or my family did to deserve all this....its only been 24 years into my life and i had to watch my father (slowly n painfully)lose out to cancer and now havin a deja vu as i see my mother following the exact same route...for the last 4/5 years all i had to do is prepare myself for the deaths of my parents....every single day..every single nite...every single hour...every single moment i have to go thru this ordeal.....its a tremendously strong feeling of stress....and it simply devastates me....i hope no one in the world has to go thru all this at this age...i mean it.....i feel like im some 80+ year old guy...tired, fatigued, stressed and without any passion for life....

i hope one day god will reward me for goin thru all this punishment...no reward wud compensate all this...but a few more tragedies and i dont think ill be able to take it anymore....

i hope for a miracle...
i hope god is listening...

Crocodile Rock

2006-04-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

From my early days ive been a big fan of animals!....not only am i enthralled by the dogs n birds of the neighbourhood i also get really excited seeing all those National Georhraphic n Animal Planet programs especially the ones on snake...u know the ones were they pull out big snakes from bushes...its really ironic though...the bit about me loving the shows on snakes coz normally i HATE snakes!!!!...im prolly the biggest snake hater in the world!!!.....actually i hate all reptiles!...aargh! they are so repulsive!....thats prolly the reason i loved this picture (how sadistic!) which is currently my desktop wallpaper and will be so atleast for one more week...

This is a 13ft alligator which was apparently found in the backyard of a house (prolly one adjacent to a river)in the US....not surprisingly...it was killed!who wud want such a beast in their backyard!......so make sure all of u regularly check up on your backyard!

"Dear God, please let me grow up"

2006-04-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

The picture above is that of 5 year old Karmen.Her dream is to be a ballerina. But Karmen was born with the AIDS virus and has spent much of her short life going in and out of the hospital.

Karmen has fared better than anyone had dared to hope. Doctors thought she would never walk or talk, but she gets around with a walker and speaks fairly well.

Karmen may not grow up to be a ballerina, but, despite her difficulty walking, she was transformed when she donned a tutu that her mother had bought her, it almost seemed as if she had taken up a persona of a ballerina.

This is a picture of Karmen taken by photographer Ms. Tartakoff who has published a book called An Alphabet About Families Living With HIV-AIDS.

According to the book, "Sometimes Karmen lays her head on her folded hands because she is tired, and sometimes she needs to talk with God." One of her prayers: "Dear God, Please make my legs and body strong. Please let me grow up."

blog health check

2006-04-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

are u ok blog?

Change the world ~

2006-04-24T02:06:00.000-07:00

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

~Author Unknown

a dog is a dogs best friend...

2006-04-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

we all love dogs!

i love rottweillers, bulldogs, boxers, dobermann n dachshund..fahim loves god knows which one...rubayat loves German Shephards and hates bulldogs (he must be crazy rite!) and we all hate spitz!...and all of us were out today in search of dogs....it was crazy...it was stupid....24hrs without any sleep but we were out in the streets of gulshan 2 lookin for dogs! primarily in search of the 4 boxers which i see everyday...its an amazing amazing feeling watchin them walk down the street in a pack ready to pounce anytime......it wasnt a bad search after all...saw 2 German Shephards,1 spitz (i think im right when i say that these dogs outnumber the crows nowadays!) and a beautiful gorgeous Golden Retreiver.....but cudnt get hold of the boxer quartet...maybe they felt lazy and dint go for their walk today..who knows?

i have always loved dogs but never ever got the chance to own one...parents wudnt let me...it was the classic case of "either u stay or the dog stays"....now finally i have moved to a house wer there actually is a lot of space to keep a dog...but ammu is convinced that i wont be able to take proper care of it.....plus everyone in this huge joint family is against me getting a dog.....but now as i have realized...a very important thing in life is to (atleast try to) materialize all your dreams....most importantly the childhood ones....or else soon u reach the end of your life and u realise that u havent accomplished even 1% of your dreams....how pathetic is that?

so hopefully once i save up some money ill get my first dog...its such an exciting feeling....finally having a companion whom i can trust : ) ...ive decided to name the dog "Incubus".....it will have a kennel downstairs but ill sneak it in my room every nite so that it sleeps in the carpet rite beside my bed...ill sneak it out every morning before everyone else wakes up...actually ill be asleep instead ill train it in such a way that it will wake before 7 and open the lock of the door and like an expert thief(?)sneak out of my room....well maybe thats askin for too much but who knows?...lets all wait for that day in anticipation.....

till next time

Woof! Woof!

Cancer once again...

2006-04-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

yet another casualty of cancer in the family

my choto chacha is no more....he survived cancer for only 3 months....pretty much the same period of time as his elder brother (my father)...

he was one of the funniest persons ive ever met....he lived in chittagong and was sort of a notorious alcoholic and a fun loving guy....apparently...he is said to be the first person in Bangladesh who had a VCR!!!....he was also a car freak like my father.....throughout his life he was plagued with illnesses but alas it was cancer once again which switched off yet another life from the face of this planet

he will be missed..

.........

2006-03-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

after an absence of 2/3 months im back to blogging again!...i knew it would happen sooner or later....but then again im happy that im actually back again writing!...

a lot of things have happened in the past months...a memorible 31st party (prolly the best in my life)...a very happening MC elections :)....hospital days with mom in Bangkok....making some crucial inroads business/work wise....my first ever diagnosis of myself heh..(ill put up the findings soon!)

i just got the news of the death of a friend..natasha...i knew her quite well from my o level english classes...dint know she married Yawar eventually (altho i do remmember they blindly loved each other)........i dont feel like writing anymore...may her soul rest in peace....

at nite!

2005-12-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

Lately ive taken up the habit of goin out at nite....i dont tell mom...although she wudnt stop me..she wont like it either...its funny how restrictions at home dissappear as we grow older...up to my A level exams i was never even allowed to stay at ppls places overnite no matter how important the occasion was (watching Germany vs Czech Republic Live or West Indies vs south Africa!)

after my A levels i more then compensated it!....for a 6 month or so spell i use to stay out 2/3 times every week...thats when i actualy started goin to parties!...soon mom realized that coincidently i always ended up stayin out every thursday nite!...but she dint say much...she i think knew wat i was upto..but i guess she trusted me(hmmmmmmmmmm)....

i really miss those parties....we were just breakin into the party scene then....n we always ended up being the youngest ones in the parties...me, riyad n masum....i still am grateful to riyad for the efforts he made to get us the tickets..(thanks man!..ill return the favour wenever u need it!)...coming to think of it..wat happened to all those parties???....privately arranged and in different places such as Nilgiri Tavern, Mehfil, Olive Garden n so on.....they were really cool!..each party had sumthin different to differ (well atleast in terms of ambience!)...

i so hate this typical Privilege-IC cycle!!!....its the same thing every weekend!....i think the last of those (private)parties was the one at olive garden wer there was a police raid and the party was stopped midway...(dint make much of a difference as more than half the ppl went over to tarek bhais rooftop were the party continued!)....btw that nite i also recorded my first and only recordings with the band Ajob(i am so random!)....god knows were that demo is....the bassline was pretty cool actually....someday i shud get hold of that demo....will ask labik when i see him next....

So if any of u are wondering wat i(we) do during these late nite drives....(no we dont screw whores or go for "cool" dangerous races on the uttara road!)....we just roam around gulshan.baridhaara, old dohs.....stop by at tea stalls...sit in the dohs field...go to old town n maghbazar for snack...stand in the middle of gulshan 2 circle.....its a very relaxin experience...makes me feel good....

im off now!...T is at my gate missd calling!

Song of the day - Speed of Sound - Coldplay
Thought of the day - Im actually a very good Economics/business teacher!

Food (for thought) and Bombs!

2005-11-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

Bombs! Bombs! Bombs!

another case of suicide bombing!...this time in the court buildings of Chittagong and Gazipur....i remember even a few days back i thought we were so much better off in terms of terrorism....coz even though we had rampant terrorism it wasnt as bad as countries like Sri Lanka not for anythin else but the fact that we atleast dint have suicide bombers!...i always thought no bangladeshi would be courageous (and stupid?) enough to be one.....guess i was wrong......i am terrified, wat if a bomber blows himself up in a concert or in a party?...or wat if sumone blows himself up in Timeout when im having my Nasi Goreng!...its terrfying!

The Government should immediately start workin on it before dhaka turns into Baghdad....maybe these are acts masterminded by the extremists of the middle east countries or maybe by secret servicemen of our neighbouring countries but im pretty sure the government can root it out of the country if it wants to.... its just that (i feel) this extremists are sheltered by the ministers themselves.....

I think the government is clever enough to do sumthin abt this immediately...coz it wont be long before Mr Bush finds out what our Bangla bhai's are cooking n sends his war planes over to take care of them.

All i know, from today onwards im a bit more scared and worried then ever before.....

Thought of the day - Is my diet and new workout routine working?
Song of the day - Luxurious - Gwen Stephani

Tribute to the King!

2005-11-25T02:02:00.000-08:00

finally Brian Lara has scored in this series!!!.....sumhow i cud sense that sumthin big like this double hundred was 'round the corner for him after a long run of poor form....from early in the morning i was glued to the TV (even tho i hadnt slept for a minute the nite before!)......and yes finally it came...from 50 to 100 to 150 to 200!!!!.....another double hundred for the best batsman in the world (at least in my books!).....there are other great players in the game like Tendulkar , Inzamam n co but i dont think any one of them are as graceful and "dangerous" as Lara...no shot in the game is more beautiful then a Brian Lara cover drive!!!(orgasmic!).....sometimes i think the only reason i watch cricket is because of this great cricketer!...R.E.S.P.E.C.T

thought of the day - Where are my soccer boots?
Song of the day - w'ell be burning - Sean Paul

weddings, holuds, dances, lights n more dances

2005-11-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

yes ....the wedding season is here once againmaybe a bit prematurely....almost everynite theres sumthin or the other...today was my 2nd holud in 3 days......while the earlier one was a medium sized roof top one this one was possibly one of the largest holuds of the year!...pinky's brother Zaems holud.......im sort of worried by the cultural invasion and the bollywood effect on our lives....the holud started off with almost one whole hour of choreographed dancing to all the popular hindi numbers....infact the holud itself took a backseat to it...even the jamai was staring at the dancers all throughout.....the whole place looked like a set from a hindi movie with pretty but overly made up girls everywere...stunning decoration....bright lights.....indian food.... the only thing missing was the angst ridden muscular hero in yellow jacket!!!.......

In the future i wont be surprised if we have VDO productions of these holuds (which we wud be able to buy in the shops!)....its also amazing how all my friends are turning into dancers (thanks to these holuds)....almost every single one of em has atleast one dance performance this month!!!..... yesterday it was Tansir......today Shakib bhai....will i be next?

I certainly hope not....dancin with fat girls wearing a glittery panjabi(that too with an orna) ...sick

thought of the day - the buzz abt the new side project!!!
song of the day - Kajra re (shara life na shuney bura boyeshey im gettin into hindi stuff...but i swear the chorus of this song gives me an emphatic good buzz...IDC kinda buzz...heh)

mic chec!!

2005-11-21T12:51:00.000-08:00

hello mic chec 1..2...3!!!...

here i start my new blog life...hope to carry it on dilligently this time...atleast till death or marriage (which one is worst??!)....

it was a typical day....internet was down in the morning as usual....this happens everyday!....so i started the day off with my customary call to the ISP guy....i hate ALL ISP's in Bangladesh!!!..the service is pathetic and the customer service is awful!....now i think the only thing which can stop me from wrting my blog regularly is this stupid internet connection...

im plannin to start conducting my guitar classes once again...few new students called up....one of them is a 14 year old who claims that he carries a gun!...heh..shud be interesting!.....but i still miss turaj, bisma, nahar, sardin, nader n all...my ex students...god knows wether they still play..they should have....btw were is faiza???...ill missd call her now....calling her at this time (3:05 am) wud b potentially very risky....auntie's so scary!!!

anyways i better go off before the mosquitoes literally carry me off the chair (and throw me down the stairs)!!!......i wonder when this mosquito invasion will stop.....i also wonder wether the mosquitoes have invented some antidote for Aerosol or maybe they wear gas masks these days!...who knows!!!!.....

Thought of the day - Where is Faiza???
Music of the day - Lets go to bed - The Cure

peace..